Who am I?

Who am I now? This is the question that I am struggling with now that Amelia is gone.

From the minute that pregnancy test showed positive last May, I have spent all of my energy in preparing to be Amelia's mom (once we found out she was Amelia and not Cole or Nolan). Researching and learning about a natural, healthy pregnancy, delivery and life- figuring out what the "best" baby stuff was and registering or buying all of it. Spending time focused on how to be the best mom that I could be to her. So excited to have a daughter and thinking about how I would try to raise her without the shit that I had learned growing up. 

I lost interest in climbing the career ladder that I had spent my 20s & early 30s so focused on. Work just didn't seem to be as important- no longer did I crave working my way up to Director or higher and was happy that the position that I am in was something that I enjoyed and could do well so that I could focus on being the best mom that I could be. I was so ready to trade in the 50 and 60 hour weeks for 40 hour work weeks with the rest of the time being spent as a family. 

I gave up Diet Coke and wine and soft cheese and sushi and all the other things that are supposed to be unhealthy during pregnancy. I did everything "right" so that she would have a great start at this life that we would live together with S. My pregnancy was perfect once I got past that first 16 weeks or so of being sick all day long. 

And then it all went so terribly wrong...

And now who am I? What do I do now that the one thing that I had focused on so intently for the last 8 months is gone? Where is my identity now? 

I will go back to work eventually but the thought of that makes me want to throw up. It all seems so pointless- I don't want to be back on the career ladder- I want to be Amelia's mom with a career on the side. I don't want to be able to go to happy hours, girls weekends and the travel that we used to do- I want to travel with Amelia and S and show her all the things and places that we enjoy so much. 

That is what we were fully prepared to do. We had waited so long, made sure everything was right and that it was the right time to have a baby. 

And then it all went so terribly wrong...

Now what do I do? How do I fill my longing for Amelia with anything but Amelia? How can I go on without her? I can't go back to who and what I used to be and do because that isn't here any longer? How do I figure out how to be the mom of a dead baby? 

Today's Reality

Last week I made the mistake of telling S how I really am feeling and I think that I scared him...a lot. This is the bad part of adding grief to the depression that I have dealt with on and off for the last 21 years. My brain is not normal and I forget that sometimes (most of the time). I think that it is "normal" to drive down the road and think about crossing the line into oncoming traffic or driving off bridges or just not being- not really committing suicide but just going into a state where you aren't. I need to remember that these thoughts are not "normal" and are do to the very fucked up way that my brain thinks.

Since Amelia died I really don't feel like going on and these thoughts are creeping up again after a year of staying off anti depressants and doing pretty darn well. I feel like two different people... one that is grieving the loss of my daughter and of the new life that we were supposed to have and then one that knows that life will be okay and even good at some point in the future...that I will survive this and be stronger. Because after all what is the alternative? There is no alternative because I will not do the crazy things that my fucked up mind thinks about because there is a part of me (even if it is small at the moment) that knows that my mind is fucked up and that I can do better than this and I should stop scaring my husband.

It scares me to think of my friends and family reading this and knowing how I am feeling but I need to get it out there so I will. I haven't even told people about this blog but I am sure that at some point I will but hopefully by then I will be "better".

We went to our first support group last night for this special club of people that have had their babies die. It is ironic because throughout the pregnancy we kept talking about the new people we would meet and the new friends we would have because of Amelia. We would have this new group of friends that had babies and our friendships would expand but never did we even think that it would be  

Dreams

All the dreams that I had for her and about her are gone. They all died the minute that I heard the words "There is no heartbeat."

We spent most of my pregnancy dreaming and talking of all of the ways that our lives would change when she was born...the travel that would change, how we would camp with her, teach her the things we love to do, and how we would make room in our life that we had created over the last 15 years. Those 4 words changed all that...took those future thoughts and dreams and spaced and filled them with an emptiness that never goes away.

Growing up one of my favorite things to do was to go to the ballet. My aunt was a professional dancer and I loved to go see her dance. A day at the ballet would mean a trip into Chicago, a new dress, shoes and gloves...such a girlie girl I was. When we found out that our "pea baby" was Amelia one of the first things that I thought about was sharing this love of the ballet with her. I would take her to see ballet as soon as I could...it was a different city than I went to and my aunt no longer dances but it would be ballet and it would be our special time together. I had already decided that The Nutcracker would be the first ballet we went to because it is one of the first ones that I remembered. This morning I wept as I read that this is the last year that Pacific NW Ballet would be using the sets they have used for years and it made me cry... Not because I particularly liked the sets or that it was the one that I grew up seeing but that I will never take Amelia to see the ballet

Or go to the spa

or see her walk

Or hear her Laugh

Or do all the things that I should be able to do with her... And this reality sucks.

Initially I wasn't mad at God, I have always believed that God has planned our lives so this has to be part of the plan, right? I don't know that I believe that anymore... I am mad at God...mad that he didn't save my baby, mad that the hopes and dreams that He gave me weren't kept safe, weren't realized.

My baby shouldn't be a container of ashes in her nursery that we aren't sure what to do with...she should be alive and we should get to realize all of our dreams... And because we can't I am mad at God.

So sad

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a new counselor. She has a background in pregnancy related issues so I hope she will help me get through the grief of losing Amelia and help me with the anxiety if getting pregnant again.  It was a rough day...having to relive Amelia's birth, to discuss that day that will forever be in my memory but not in my memory since I spent so much of it in shock.

When I left her office I decided to get some lunch and parked next to a mini van. In the front seat was what appeared to be a grandmother, her daughter and a new baby. Seeing that knocked the wind out of me. They were so casually enjoying lunch and I wonder if they know how lucky they are, how lucky they are to have brought that baby home alive so that they can enjoy that day.

I came home and cried...the loud gasping for breath cries that can't be helped. My two wonderful kitties came and were with me. Will seeing babies never stop me in my tracks?

One Month Ago

A month ago I was in labor with my dear Amelia. Feeling so much physical pain but so excited to meet her, to love and cuddle her. We were so excited for our first baby and how life would change. I was so happy to be making these changes to our lives. The nursery was ready, everything picked out and ready for her arrival.

As I heard the words that her heart had stopped, my heart broke and life will never be the same. What does this "new normal" look like? This isn't the life we should have after Amelia but it isn't the life we had before. How do you continue with life when your heart has been ripped from your body?

My dear precious Amelia, I miss you so much. I miss feeling you move inside me. I grieve the things we will never do together or as a family and I am lost, so very lost without you. I don't know who I am now and how I move forward to find me again.