Dreams

All the dreams that I had for her and about her are gone. They all died the minute that I heard the words "There is no heartbeat."

We spent most of my pregnancy dreaming and talking of all of the ways that our lives would change when she was born...the travel that would change, how we would camp with her, teach her the things we love to do, and how we would make room in our life that we had created over the last 15 years. Those 4 words changed all that...took those future thoughts and dreams and spaced and filled them with an emptiness that never goes away.

Growing up one of my favorite things to do was to go to the ballet. My aunt was a professional dancer and I loved to go see her dance. A day at the ballet would mean a trip into Chicago, a new dress, shoes and gloves...such a girlie girl I was. When we found out that our "pea baby" was Amelia one of the first things that I thought about was sharing this love of the ballet with her. I would take her to see ballet as soon as I could...it was a different city than I went to and my aunt no longer dances but it would be ballet and it would be our special time together. I had already decided that The Nutcracker would be the first ballet we went to because it is one of the first ones that I remembered. This morning I wept as I read that this is the last year that Pacific NW Ballet would be using the sets they have used for years and it made me cry... Not because I particularly liked the sets or that it was the one that I grew up seeing but that I will never take Amelia to see the ballet

Or go to the spa

or see her walk

Or hear her Laugh

Or do all the things that I should be able to do with her... And this reality sucks.

Initially I wasn't mad at God, I have always believed that God has planned our lives so this has to be part of the plan, right? I don't know that I believe that anymore... I am mad at God...mad that he didn't save my baby, mad that the hopes and dreams that He gave me weren't kept safe, weren't realized.

My baby shouldn't be a container of ashes in her nursery that we aren't sure what to do with...she should be alive and we should get to realize all of our dreams... And because we can't I am mad at God.