Who am I?

Who am I now? This is the question that I am struggling with now that Amelia is gone.

From the minute that pregnancy test showed positive last May, I have spent all of my energy in preparing to be Amelia's mom (once we found out she was Amelia and not Cole or Nolan). Researching and learning about a natural, healthy pregnancy, delivery and life- figuring out what the "best" baby stuff was and registering or buying all of it. Spending time focused on how to be the best mom that I could be to her. So excited to have a daughter and thinking about how I would try to raise her without the shit that I had learned growing up. 

I lost interest in climbing the career ladder that I had spent my 20s & early 30s so focused on. Work just didn't seem to be as important- no longer did I crave working my way up to Director or higher and was happy that the position that I am in was something that I enjoyed and could do well so that I could focus on being the best mom that I could be. I was so ready to trade in the 50 and 60 hour weeks for 40 hour work weeks with the rest of the time being spent as a family. 

I gave up Diet Coke and wine and soft cheese and sushi and all the other things that are supposed to be unhealthy during pregnancy. I did everything "right" so that she would have a great start at this life that we would live together with S. My pregnancy was perfect once I got past that first 16 weeks or so of being sick all day long. 

And then it all went so terribly wrong...

And now who am I? What do I do now that the one thing that I had focused on so intently for the last 8 months is gone? Where is my identity now? 

I will go back to work eventually but the thought of that makes me want to throw up. It all seems so pointless- I don't want to be back on the career ladder- I want to be Amelia's mom with a career on the side. I don't want to be able to go to happy hours, girls weekends and the travel that we used to do- I want to travel with Amelia and S and show her all the things and places that we enjoy so much. 

That is what we were fully prepared to do. We had waited so long, made sure everything was right and that it was the right time to have a baby. 

And then it all went so terribly wrong...

Now what do I do? How do I fill my longing for Amelia with anything but Amelia? How can I go on without her? I can't go back to who and what I used to be and do because that isn't here any longer? How do I figure out how to be the mom of a dead baby?