Last week I made the mistake of telling S how I really am feeling and I think that I scared him...a lot. This is the bad part of adding grief to the depression that I have dealt with on and off for the last 21 years. My brain is not normal and I forget that sometimes (most of the time). I think that it is "normal" to drive down the road and think about crossing the line into oncoming traffic or driving off bridges or just not being- not really committing suicide but just going into a state where you aren't. I need to remember that these thoughts are not "normal" and are do to the very fucked up way that my brain thinks.
Since Amelia died I really don't feel like going on and these thoughts are creeping up again after a year of staying off anti depressants and doing pretty darn well. I feel like two different people... one that is grieving the loss of my daughter and of the new life that we were supposed to have and then one that knows that life will be okay and even good at some point in the future...that I will survive this and be stronger. Because after all what is the alternative? There is no alternative because I will not do the crazy things that my fucked up mind thinks about because there is a part of me (even if it is small at the moment) that knows that my mind is fucked up and that I can do better than this and I should stop scaring my husband.
It scares me to think of my friends and family reading this and knowing how I am feeling but I need to get it out there so I will. I haven't even told people about this blog but I am sure that at some point I will but hopefully by then I will be "better".
We went to our first support group last night for this special club of people that have had their babies die. It is ironic because throughout the pregnancy we kept talking about the new people we would meet and the new friends we would have because of Amelia. We would have this new group of friends that had babies and our friendships would expand but never did we even think that it would be
because of her death that we would be meeting new people and establishing some new friendships. I hadn't even considered that there were groups out there because (as I think that I have said before) full term babies don't die. But here we are- almost 6 weeks out and this is our new reality...but it will be good to meet new people that are okay with talking about Amelia and talking about fear of future pregnancies and how pregnant people and babies make me want to run in the other direction and not have them think that I am strange or scary because they have the same thoughts and fears.
No comments:
Post a Comment